Wise words…

Bismillahi ir-rahman ir-rahim - In the name of Allah, most gracious, most merciful

My son is only five, but every now and then he’ll come up with something that will truly amaze me.

Yesterday I overheard him speaking to my husband in the other room when he said to him “be what you want to be in your life”. I wondered where he found such wise words. I was proud that he had once again demonstrated that he had an understanding of things which are way beyond his years. And I was proud because I knew he realised that to be truly happy you needed to be true to yourself. I hoped that understanding this concept from such a young age would make it easier for him to resist the pressures that cause one to stray away from who you are - to move away from being what you want to be in your life. Most of all I hoped that it would enable him to stand firm in his faith, and never waver or flinch in his devotion to Allah.

I then asked myself if I had succeeded in this task, am I what I want to be in my life? I don’t think there is an easy answer to this question. Its not black and white, and I felt like I was a shade of grey. I am generally happy with where I am at, I am happy with my place in life, as a Muslimah and servant to her lord, a mother raising her children, a wife, a child, a sister, a friend. They are all roles I enjoy and I thank Allah for the blessings and the opportunity to play each and every one of them. The grey comes in with how I fulfil my roles, unfortunately I dont even come close to meeting my expections.

As a Muslimah there is so much that I should be doing that I dont. I was reflecting the other day on how I do things for my children that I didnt do for myself, because I want them to be better than me. When I had children I suddenly had this immense pressure to learn things that I never got around to learning so I could teach it to them. That is all good and well, but for the first time in my life I asked myself why didn’t I do them for the sake of Allah?? It had never occured to me before. I thought that I was being a good mother by putting my children’s needs ahead of my own needs. But where did that leave me as an muslimah? I felt so ashamed. Its amazing what looking at things from a different perspective can do. Its taken me all this time but I finally realised that it wasn’t me that I was neglecting…it was Allah. This realisation made me determined to do more things for myself, for the sake of Allah.

And its not only my role as a Muslimah that I feel I am not adequately fulfilling. As a mother I know I could give my children more. A more organised house, a more solid routine, more time to relax and play with. As a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend…I have so much more to give but always have excuses. Not enough time, I’m too busy, I’m too tired, not enough energy, I have my hands full with the kids….these are all true, but deep down I know I can do better.

So I sat there content with the thoughts of my son and with a new found determination to get my act together, improve myself, give what I can give, be the best I can be and be what I want to be in my life. I decided to get up and investigate to find out how it came to be and why my five year old son was telling my husband these wise words….

…I discovered it was some friendly advice on who my husband should chose to play as in the computer game they were playing. Oh well…I guess I should just take the good out of the situation, and the reminder that in future I should abstain from reading too much into the words of a five year old, even if he is my son.

MuslimMum

Bismillahi ir-rahman ir-rahim - In the name of Allah, most gracious, most merciful

I have to admit I didn’t give all that much thought to choosing my username. The only real condition I had in my mind was that I wanted something Islamic or at least made me recognisable as a Muslim. I tried a few usernames which I can no longer remember and all were taken. Then I thought maybe if i threw the word mum into the equation it would be more likely to find an available username due to the different spellings, and it worked!!

I wasn’t overly happy with it at the time, but upon later reflection I thought it was perfect, in fact I cant think of a username that would describe me better. Even the ordering is perfect. I don’t know if my subconscious came into play here or what, but I later came to realise that it is the most suitable username I could have come up with.

Firstly and foremost, I am a Muslim. This is my life and is my everything. It is different to some other religions in that it is more than just a belief. I know its a cliche, but it really is a way of life. My loyalty to Allah and desire to please Him comes before anything. And although I know my actions fall short of this ideal, in my mind it is clear. And before anybody asks, yes my loyalty to Allah does come before my family. It comes before my husband, and yes it even comes before my children. Of course I have never been in a situation where this type of loyalty has been questioned - my desire to please Allah only makes me a better mother and wife as these are both actions that are pleasing to Allah. Its a beautiful concept, one which constantly helps me to draw on strength.

Everything I do, as a mother and a wife, the housework, the washing, the cooking, the disciplining, all of it….is by the will of Allah rewarded. So those times when I didnt get more than an hours solid sleep, when i was awaken 20 minutes after falling asleep only to be kept up another 4 hours, when i was so tired and desperate for sleep that I became furious at my innocent little baby, i drew on the strength through my knowledge that Allah was aware of all of my hardships and I would insha’allah (God-willing) be rewarded accordingly. All those times when pregnant and sleep deprived I half staggered onto the couch, nauseous to the point where I felt I could throw up any minute, desperate for a few more precious minutes of sleep and woken up every few minutes by young children either requesting yet another snack or another drink, or looking for a referee in their petty squables, I drew on the strength through my knowledge that Allah was aware of my hardship and I would insha’allah be rewarded. And when sitting there, looking at the chaos that our house had become due to my debilitating morning sickness, feeling worse from the stress of it and feeling myself almost fall into depression through my inability to properly care for my family and feelings of helplessness, I knew Allah was aware of what I was going through, I knew that He does not burden a person more than they could handle, and I knew that with any hardship faced for the sake of Allah was met with reward. I found strength that I didn’t know I had and made a conscious decision to stop feeling sorry for myself and not to resign to how things were. I knew that I couldn’t do as much as I wanted to, but I knew that if I let myself fall into depression I would give them less. I needed to be strong, for myself, for them, and for the unborn child growing inside of me. Once again I drew on the strength from Allah. Alhumdulilah for being Muslim. It truly is a blessing in every aspect of my life.

This brings us to the next part of my username - Mum. When I had my son it changed my world in ways that I never anticipated. Perhaps out of naivety, I was never really close to anybody who had a child, so I didn’t really know what it involved. I just didn’t really think about how my life would change. Its probably a good thing, I think sometimes its best not to over think things, I would have just stressed myself out, and to what avail? As it was I coped, I coped because I had to.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant with my son I became obsessed with finding out about parenting, specifically Islamic parenting. I think I have purchased every book on the topic that I have ever seen. Admittedly I haven’t read them all, I was always better at buying books than I was at reading them, a trait that would only grow post-children.

Having children changed who I was. I was no longer just my own person, I was a mother, and had to have that awareness in everything I did….everything I thought. I could no longer just go somewhere, I had to think…what time is it? will my baby be tired? will there be enough time between feeds? will there be somewhere to feed him? I remember watching soap operas when my son was a baby, not that I was ever a huge fan, but I found the background noise relaxing and I asked myself ‘do I really want my son growing up watching that?’, so I stopped. It started to make me a better person, things I didn’t do for my own sake, I did for the sake of my children, because I wanted them to have a mother that was better than that and a mother who could teach them things I didn’t know. I spent a great deal of time learning and preparing myself to be the best mum I could be. Of course I’m not a perfect mum, and I know I never will be. But a great part of my time, thoughts, ideas and efforts are dedicated to this cause. It has changed who I am, and it has changed how I view the world. The only other thing that has had such a significant effect on me is the first part of my username, being Muslim.

So in essence these are the two words that best describe me, Muslim and Mum. Not in that I am a particularly successful example of either, in both areas there is much room for improvement and its a constant learning experience. More so in that they shape how I think and who I am. I can’t imagine my life without either of them and I am a better person because of them both.

Bullying: To dob or not to dob

Bismillahi ir-rahman ir-rahim - In the name of Allah, most gracious, most merciful

So my son is being bullied.

He just started Prep this year. Apart from some issues relating to separation anxiety he has been doing exceptionally well, better than I could have hoped for and I am so proud of him.

I didn’t see the signs. In retrospect perhaps I should have, but I guess I prefer to see the world through rose coloured glasses. I made excuses, maybe they’re just boys playing rough I thought. I should have realised when he wanted to buy things for this boy that he didn’t even seem to like. It was my husband’s perseverance and questioning that made it clear. Last week he pushed him up against the wall. This week he hit him with sticks till he had red scratch marks on his back, they were small and will heal soon, but I fear the mental scars wont be as forgiving.

Up until now it had been my husband who had mainly done the questioning. It had been very persistant, very much like a parent questions a child, and I felt for him. It reminded me of all the times my parents would question me about my friends when they would upset me. And years later, long after the incident in question was well forgotten, my mum would still be askings “isn’t she the one who did so and so to you”. Mums….gotta love them. She could never forget when her child was hurt. Now the tables have turned, and I am the mum, and I will never be able to forget my baby hurting. But I will also never forget her reactions, and how it caused me to think twice before going to her again. I wanted to make sure that our son didn’t feel that way.

Last night after we read our bedtime book together I put the book under the covers and lay down next to him. I made sure he was comfortable, and started casually asking him about school. I asked him about how he was enjoying it, about what he liked…then I prodded “tell me about this boy”. So he started to tell me, and as he began his demeanor changed. He suddenly became tense and anxious. “He hurts me”, he told me. I asked him how often this happens, he seemed to suggest it happened fairly often, perhaps everyday. I asked him where his friends were when it happened, he answered half crying “They are there, they wont help me or anything”…my heart broke. I tried to explain to him that they probably didn’t want to intervene as they may have been afraid they’d be next, but how do you make a five year old understand. Then I asked him “If he hurts you, why did you want to buy him an ice-cream”. He said “I thought maybe that if I bought him something that he would be my friend and stop hurting me”. As a parent you never want to see your child hurt. My instinct was to wrap my arms around him, shelter him and never let him hurt again. However, I realised that the best thing to do was to try to equip him with the ability to deal with these situations. I know I cant shelter him for ever, but when they’re five its hard. I had to explain to him the concept of friendship, and that friends can not be bought. Its funny, a few months ago he was a pre-schooler who didnt have a worry in the world. Now he’s having to learn lessons that many adults still dont get. I guess my little boy is growing up, and maybe he is helping me to grow as a mother with him.

So now that we have established that he is being bullied the dilemma becomes how to deal with the situation. My first instinct is to let his teacher know, she can keep an eye on the situation and perhaps offer advice. My husband really dislikes this idea and thinks of it as dobbing. I should probably explain here for the benefit of non-Australian readers that the term dob means to inform the teacher (or person in authority) of a particular act, also known as “telling on” somebody. In the end we agreed that we would tell our son to tell this boy that what he is doing is “haram” or forbidden, and that Allah doesn’t like it when we hurt others. I was happy with this, an islamic reminder is a good first step. I suggested that if he didn’t stop it he could go play close to the teacher on yard-duty, he liked this idea and even thought that maybe he could keep yelling “HARAM!! HARAM!!” to the boy till the teacher heard. On the way to school I also suggested that he make dua or a supplication, asking Allah to help him. I explained to him again that only Allah has all power over everything, and whenever he wants something to happen the first thing he should do is ask Allah. Then we went over our plan again and we were ready…

…or at least we thought we were. Lets just say things didn’t go according to plan. Apparently our son tried to apply a pre-emptive strike. He says he hit the boy with sticks as he had done to him yesterday, and apparently the boy responded by saying “i’m still going to hurt you”. We never encouraged this, but to be honest I don’t really mind that he did it. Bullies tend to pick on easy targets, and unfortunately our son appears to be that easy target. He is a sweet boy, nice and gentle. He’s not aggressive, not rough, and although I never thought of it before I can now see how he is an easy target. I felt a little guilty, maybe I had somehow raised him to be prone to bullies, all those times i told him not to hit other kids, to share and give up his toys etc. Logically I know this is not correct, I raised my son to have manners, to care for others’ feelings, and to not hurt others. Unfortunately not all children are raised like this, and perhaps nice gentle boys are not equipped to deal with these types. So what do you do, do you raise your child to be sweet, gentle and caring, knowing that he may become a target…or do you allow them to be one of them?? I hate that I even have to ask myself this question…we should never let bullies compromise our ways! Not on any level.

So without admonishing him for what he did, we made it clear that he shouldn’t be seeking this boy out to hurt him. We never encouraged him to fight back in retaliation, but at the same time we didn’t want to tell him not to. He seems a bit more confident in dealing with him now, and I hope that the matter will be resolved. Should it persevere there is still the question on how to deal with it…to dob or not to dob. Insha’allah (God willing) its a question we won’t need to revisit.